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I’m on a plane watching a Korean film called “Miracle in Cell No. 7” about a mentally disabled father navigating his heartbreaking relationship with his daughter. And oh boy, I’m a mess. Fat juicy tears do their best to escape my tear ducts. But I’m fighting them back, squinting my face but a loud nasal snort escapes. The sweet air steward brings me a tissue and I’m so embarrassed. “Allergies,” I said to try and save face. She didn’t believe it.
Whenever I’m alone dangling thirty thousand feet in the air, at 500kph with only three centimetres of carbon fibre protecting me from a certain death I feel surprisingly reflective. Something about the altitude and the possibility of it all ending perhaps?
Witnessing how this father overcomes insurmountable odds for his daughter reminded me of my late father. It reminded me of how lonely I felt staring down at his gravestone.
Thoughts dawn on me such as “I wish I was a better son, brother and friend” or “I should have achieved more with my life”. I feel intense pressure due to a sense of obligation and ambition. And I feel isolated under that weight. Too ashamed to reach out to the people I had ignored for so long. Spiralling further until I don’t recognise myself.
The truth is most of us will experience loneliness. It is only now being considered as one of the most neglected health issues in the world. There is damning evidence of serious consequences to our physical and mental well-being. My plane approaches the runway and I have a glorious view of sparkling Dubai. Is there something about this city that makes us feel even more lonely?
As a storyteller, I believe that at the core of being human is a story. Some call it purpose. A kind of existential loneliness can occur when this story is unknown to us. We have to be able to place ourselves in the world to construct our sense of self-worth. Dubai attracts thousands of people from around the world. Enticed by the story of opportunity, luxury and success. But so many in Dubai are feeling lonely.
Before I go into why, it is important to understand loneliness is very much a modern phenomenon. In Fay Bound Alberti’s book ‘A Biography of Loneliness: The History of an Emotion’, she claims “loneliness as we understand it today really didn’t exist before the nineteenth century, at least not in a chronic form. It’s not that people weren’t lonely; it’s that, since it wasn’t possible to survive without being bonded to other people and community, loneliness was a passing experience.”
Alberti continues to say that “loneliness is the child of modern capitalism, individualism and secularism”. All these things put ourselves at the centre of the universe, and material success as a marker of worth. The pursuit of success has forced us from our homes, into tiny flats and left us detached from any sense of community. Is it any coincidence that a language of loneliness emerged as a result?
Many in Dubai fall into the trap of filling this lonely void through the seduction of consumerism. For many, Dubai presents itself as the perfect hub for decadence, where social media influencers often display extravagant lifestyles. We compare our own lives and begin to believe we only have value if we are able to partake in it. If not, you’re a loser. In Dubai you can feel rich, powerful and important… at a price of course.
That is what is happening when you see men revving their loud engines as they circle the Boulevard Downtown at midnight. I don’t hear an engine anymore, I hear a lonely insecure cry to be seen, heard and valued. It is the mistaken belief people will like you, respect you or validate you if you have these things.
When in truth, consumerism is causing us to be lonelier and lonelier. Forcing us to buy further into it as a means of temporary distraction from confronting our lonely selves and that we don’t have any meaningful and deep connections in our lives. And it has now proven to be detrimental to our health.
Doctor Vivek H. Murthy claims with loneliness our “risk of anxiety and depression increases. So does their risk of heart disease (29 per cent), dementia (50 per cent), and stroke (32 per cent). The increased risk of premature death associated with social disconnection is comparable to smoking daily — and may even be greater than the risk associated with obesity”.
The years of COVID were tragic, but the dangers of loneliness to our health are far more frightening. Loneliness is the neglected pandemic of our age with a reported quarter of the world feeling a sense of loneliness. That’s billions of people. We must prioritise ways of thinking that promote healthy relationships and human connection.
It will be no easy feat, but we can give it the attention it deserves. Firstly companies and governments can play a huge role in helping. Financial leniencies and incentives for people with families, a social design that enables human connection and investing in community-oriented projects. I want to see brands with campaigns that are less about glamour, but the power of community and people. Make human connections aspirational and cool. Brands have a huge influence in Dubai, the energy they put out can influence young minds to value human connection.
Secondly, we have to create a demand for more IRL events and get people off their technology. Culture, arts, sports and food are great ways to do this. We need creative activations that allow people to share space together. Pump investment in culture programmes like Al-Serkal Avenue, run clubs like Triple7 and supper clubs that open people’s homes to guests. What about subsidised Arabic language classes promoting cultural exchange?
Lastly, we have to take agency over our own loneliness. Take small steps that make a big difference. Medicine in the form of reaching out to people, DMing interesting initiatives, chatting with strangers, giving food to neighbours, and turning up to events alone. One of the most effective antidotes to loneliness is service to others. Purpose. I witnessed such a beautiful sense of community at ‘The Giving Hands’ food distribution for those in need during Ramadan. Hundreds of volunteers connected over a shared sense of purpose.
For those who know me and my work, community is at the heart of it. I am driven to create spaces that nurture connection. I adore seeing how much it gives people, but people don’t realise how much it gives me. My mother always taught me “You have to build the community you want to be in”. Dubai has its challenges like any city, but it has been such a nourishing home with friends and family giving me acts of love and connection.
I always get messages on social media “How did I have so many friends?”. What people do not see on my social media is how hard I have worked to have these relationships. They don’t see the times I turned up for others, the late nights, the places I went alone, the bravery in trying new things and the effort I put in to maintain it all. Yet it was all worth it because of the fullness it gives me.
Loneliness in Dubai is well written about. Citing the same causes of loneliness. I wanted this piece to be about issues I think few talk about. One intersection I’ve witnessed with loneliness is with race and culture. The expat community in Dubai is one of the most multicultural communities in the world. There are 8% of Western expats in Dubai, the rest constitute around 67% South Asians, Africans and Southeast Asians who sadly are not afforded the same considerations regarding their mental wellbeing. There is little to no research on how loneliness affects these communities. I’ll occasionally take a walk through Old Dubai, and drink coffee from a dalla and people-watch. It’s my favourite thing to do. I’ll observe men especially sitting alone staring at the horizon, some are glued to their phones watching the lives of loved ones back home and others are staring back at the lives of other Dubai residents living entirely different lives to theirs. It must feel like an alternative universe, a lonely place stuck between home and somewhere else.
So when I hear expats from the Global North graciously share their experiences of loneliness I feel a deep empathy for them, but I also cannot help but feel a sense of irony. Growing up a child of immigrants in London you’re in a constant state of loneliness and isolation. The social norms were entirely alien to me. I had to grow up surrounded by pubs, alcohol and headlines that ostracised people like me. I felt socially and politically isolated. Yet I adapted, developing an ability to operate in the most hostile environments. I played down parts of myself to not inconvenience others. That’s what you did as a child of immigrants. You evolved. You codeswitched. You endured.
Older now I feel a bit of bitterness. Very few of my British friends growing up thought to socially adapt to my inclinations or preferences as an active member of the community. Privilege is never having to consider any behaviour or perspective that is not your own. They have never known what it feels like to leave parts of yourself at the door and enter a new cultural paradigm as a visitor. In fact, Dubai has done so much to make this city amenable to them. It has bent cultural and spiritual norms, opened its doors and remains infinitely hospitable.
What happened to curiosity? The etiquette to learn about your host culture and engage with it? The openness to sit with those who may superficially be different but share a lot of common values as you do? Many refuse to. Instead, expats live in enclaves and recreate social behaviours they’re familiar with from home. Isolating themselves into loneliness.
This social rigidity is everything I think is wrong with the world. Expat culture is the same in most cities around the world. It is also a microcosm of a bigger racial divide. When we don’t move beyond our norms, it perpetuates divides and breeds ignorance which directly leads to human conflict.
In a time of unprecedented social and political hostility, we have to radically reconsider our social paradigms. There is another potential story to Dubai and it’s an arm’s length away. This multicultural city has immense potential to create a haven for a new way of cultural togetherness that leaks out and heals lonely souls and a hurting world through better-connected lives and better-connected communities. If Dubai reaches out and claims this story that, in my opinion, would be something to be proud of.
Photography: Avani Rai
Words: Nadir Nahdi
THIS FEATURE IS PUBLISHED IN THE 2ND ISSUE OF ICON MENA PRINT MAGAZINE. ORDER YOUR COPY HERE
