If you do a search on sexual studies, you will find dozens of reflections on the same thing: there are many men who are unaware of what women want in this area. That seems clear. But we wanted to look at this from the other point of view: do women know what men want?
We have consulted with three experts; José Bustamante, psychologist, sexologist and author of the book What Do Men Think?; Eva Moreno, sexologist and member of the Spanish Association of Specialists in Sexology; and Fernando Villadangos, psychologist and president of the Al-Garaia Sexology Society.
These are five things that most women assume about men and sex, but they are all misconceptions.
1. He always wants sex
The stereotype of a man who only thinks about sex – how, when and with whom – is something that should take time out of our collective imagination. “I get up at seven in the morning, work an average of 10 hours a day, and go to the gym three times a week. Conclusion: sometimes I just want to throw myself on the couch,” explains Íñigo Marcos, a 27-year-old lawyer. Sometimes Íñigo feels the need to make excuses to his girlfriend when he does not feel like sex.
“The same factors that can restrain women when it comes to sex also apply to them. However, women find it hard to understand that men too can be tired,” says Moreno. And the worst thing is that it is not just a matter of desire, as Bustamante states: “This generates added pressure because it is not only that you always have to want sex, but, as a man, you should always be willing to have it.” And no, if men do not feel like sex at some point, it’s not because their partner is unattractive or no longer excites them: it’s that, plain and simple, men also get tired.
2. He is responsible for her pleasure
“It’s a very familiar position for women, but completely erroneous,” says Moreno. Sexologists suggest that male self-esteem often focuses on their ability to please their sexual partner. “The man expects her to enjoy a lot and to end up considering him as the best of her lovers,” says Bustamante, who warns of the difference between having a good time with someone and having a good time because of someone.
“That hateful phrase ‘there is no frigid woman but an inexperienced man’ continues to rebound in the heads of some men and also some women,” explains Bustamante. There are widespread misconceptions that a man must be able to make a woman enjoy sex and, if she does not, it’s because he does not do it well, he does not hold her enough, or he does not have the right skill or technique. Each partner must take responsibility for their own pleasure.
3. He always wants sex to be quick and without foreplay
The great myth of male sexuality is that men like sex to be faster, more visual and with less foreplay. Some studies have been questioning this for years. At McGill University in Canada, Dr Irving M. Binik and his team concluded: “There is no difference in the amount of time men and women require to reach their maximum level of excitement.”
“Even though in pornography there is an excess of direct genital contact with men, much of what they complain about is that their sexual partners caress them too little,” says Bustamante. Moreno agrees: “Men love that women entertain themselves on other parts of the body, like the back or the nipples. Men are cultivating a calmer, slower and more controlled sexuality.”
Let us accept, once and for all, that – for women and men – porn is nothing more than fiction. Why is it that no-one believe that a hospital really works like in the television series ER, but they continue copying behaviours seen in porn movies as if they were the most pleasurable?
4. He wants his private parts treated rudely
Moreno warns against the tendency to perform oral sex like that seen in porn movies. Rather, she explains, men prefer “a more entertaining, more juicy and conscious oral sex”. Let’s forget the idea that what matters is to re-create the best scenes of Deep Throat – the movie, not the Watergate informant. Instead, be aware that “you do not have a thing in your hand: it is a part of your sexual partner and, what you do to it, you’re doing to him,” says Moreno. Her mantra is “Give the same as we demand.”
“I’m tired of girls who treat my penis as if it were a joystick control,” says Daniel Aguirre, a 34-year-old historian. Yes, we know it can look like that. We know that, depending on its state, it can be worthy of a lot of adjectives in which it is not precisely “delicate”, but the truth is that it is. It is one of the most – if not the most – precious possessions of a man, and should not be treated recklessly.
5. He wants to dominate her
According to several studies, one of the most recurrent sexual fantasies of women (between 31 and 57 percent say that they have them) has to do with the fact that men dominate them – with no harm or real risk, we clarify. This has led to much scientific literature trying to explain why, as well as much fiction taking advantage of the situation to sell books. However, it is a feminine fantasy, not a masculine one.
“Many women think that men like the idea of tying them up and playing a little domination. Although there are men who enjoy that, many more enjoy women having their hands free,” says Bustamante. In addition, there is another issue at play: the woman who takes the reins of the sexual encounter, something that does not appeal to some men. “What they use in their fantasies in reality does not work, because there is a clash of roles,” says Villadangos. Although the experts point out that this state is evolving, it still weighs in when it comes to enjoying sexual encounters. “Man has not yet completely removed the idea that he is the one who dominates the sexual scene,” Bustamante says.